Fr. Dr. Thomas M. Kottoor

The mental and physical trauma caused by disasters is beyond words. News of tragedy reaches us every day, leaving behind tears that won’t stop and grief that won’t end. The accident involving teachers on a holiday trip in Valparai, the fireworks factory explosion, those who vanished in seconds before they could even welcome the Thrissur Pooram festivities, those burned in plane crashes, the tearful floods of Mundakkai–Chooralmala… all of these are wounds in our memory. Disasters follow one after another like a never-ending serial. The depth of isolated, unreported personal tragedies may go unnoticed. The suffering of physical and mental anguish is often silent and solitary.

Those who suffer most after a disaster are not those who perished, but their loved ones: the weeping grief of mothers whose children died on the battlefields of Gaza, the nameless anguish of those waiting for the missing, the sorrow of families of those lost in the Pooram explosion, the burning pain of students and dear ones remembering beloved teachers who left so unexpectedly from the school yard.

Disasters take many forms that defy comprehension. Often, people are left helpless and wordless when trying to comfort those whose hearts are shattered by the loss of loved ones.

The Stages of Grief:

Understanding the Journey When disaster strikes, grief does not arrive all at once in a single form. It moves through recognizable stages, and understanding these stages can itself be a source of comfort , for it tells the grieving person: what you are feeling is normal, and you are not alone.

Shock and Denial:

The first response to sudden loss is often disbelief. The mind refuses to accept what has happened. “This cannot be real,” the heart says. This numbness is the mind’s protective shield : a temporary buffer against an unbearable reality. It is not weakness; it is the soul catching its breath.

Guilt:

Once the shock begins to lift, guilt often rushes in to fill the space. “If only I had done something differently.” “Why did I let them go?” The grieving person replays moments, searching for what could have been changed. This guilt, though painful, is a sign of love. It must be gently recognized and released, not carried indefinitely as a burden.

Why Me? The Cry of Anguish:

Anger and the agonizing question “Why me? Why us?” follow close behind. This is perhaps the most honest cry of the human heart in suffering. It is not a lack of faith , it is faith wrestling with pain. Even Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” This stage must be allowed its voice.

Bargaining with the Supernatural:

In their desperation, many turn to God or a higher power with urgent, aching prayers: “Lord, if you restore them to me, I will change my life completely.” “Let this be a mistake , let there be a miracle.” This is the soul reaching beyond its own limits, and it is deeply human. Faith communities and prayer can be genuine anchors during this stage, even when miracles do not come as expected.

Depression:

As the full weight of the loss settles in, a deep sadness descends. Energy fades. Appetite disappears. Sleep becomes elusive or excessive. The world feels grey and meaningless. This is not ordinary sadness -it is grief doing its deep, necessary work. If this stage becomes prolonged or overwhelming, professional support should be sought without hesitation or shame.

Understanding these stages does not mean moving through them in a neat, orderly sequence. Grief is not linear. A person may cycle back and forth between stages, and that too is normal. What matters is that the journey continues- toward healing, meaning, and eventually, hope.

The emotion of grief created by disasters affects not only the mind but the body as well. Research has shown that intense grief disrupts the brain’s resilience centers and hormonal systems. A study from Aarhus University in Denmark found that relatives of seriously ill patients face an 88% higher risk of death. Intense grief causes extreme stress in the body, leading to other illnesses. There are ways to reduce the Intensity and Duration of Grief . Rather than simply saying “this too shall pass” or “no rain falls forever,” here are some practical paths toward resilience:

1. Share your grief. The relief that comes from opening your heart to a trusted person or a relative is greater than you can imagine. Never suffer in silence, thinking “this grief is mine alone.”

2. Tears are not weakness : they are a life-saving mechanism. Weeping from the depths of your heart is emotional relief and liberation. Tears are the best medicine for the wounds of loss.

3. Choose to survive for those who are gone. Those who have left us want only our well-being. We must try to live up to their hope that we remain in peace and joy. That gives life a great purpose and mission. Engaging in certain activities can also significantly ease the burden of grief. Even when the mind resists, physical activity provides relief. Playing games, listening to music, and beginning to watch films or read books are excellent starting points.

4. Do meaningful things for others. Serving those who are suffering boosts one’s own sense of self-worth and dignity. Visiting the sick, performing small acts of kindness – these bring peace to the mind. Just as pouring oil into another’s wound heals them, it heals the giver too.

5. Adopt a life philosophy that turns adversity into a teacher. Such a perspective is sufficient to guide us forward. Viktor Frankl, in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” written from his experiences in Nazi concentration camps, maintained hope in life. His guiding thought was: “That which does not kill me only makes me stronger.” Harold Kushner’s book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People “ offers a similar philosophical consolation. He says: “When tragedies strike, we should not search for the reason behind them. Instead, our question should be: ‘What do I do now to move forward from this situation?’” Religious faith too gives strength to the grieving. We must never forget that those whose hearts are broken also have the capacity to feel and understand the pain of others. A Chinese proverb puts it well: “We cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over our heads, but we can certainly prevent them from building nests in our hair”